The After

So, I got a tattoo. If you know me at all, then you know just how crazy that sounds. I probably have the lowest pain tolerance of anyone on the planet. As my dear mother would say, I am a “Candy Ass”.

But, with this new season of life, I really wanted to do it. Face my fear, get something meaningful that would remind me of my strength, and prove to myself that I could overcome. I know it sounds very “I am woman, hear me roar”, but it was a very important decision for me to make.

So I prepared.

I spent time researching and deciding on a design. I went back and forth on what I wanted and what I wanted it to represent. After all, this was going to be on my body FOREVER. It had to be perfect.

So I prepared.

I did my research and chose the perfect design (a discussion for another post). Now it was time to do the thing.

So I prepared.

The During

My bestie had multiple tattoos and prepared me for the process (and pain) that I was about to go through. I was terrified that it would get started and I would not be able to continue (if you are thinking of Pheobe and her “earth” tattoo…we can be friends). I began to mentally prepare myself and decided that even if I passed out on the floor, I was getting this tattoo (so dramatic I know. Again…if you know me…). The day came and I was so nervous…but I was determined.

So I prepared.

I told myself all the positives of what I was about to do, I reminded myself of the outcome, I reminded myself of what this represented and the sense of accomplishment and empowerment I would feel after (I hoped). I took a couple Advil…and a shot…and headed out. My bestie was getting a tattoo at the same time so I would have her moral and physical support with me.

And I survived!! Obviously.

It was uncomfortable. It hurt. I was a tense, sweaty, anxious mess. But I survived and I got a beautiful meaningful tattoo. I did it. I was done. Right?

Nope.

Not Prepared

I was so focused on preparing for everything leading up to and through the actual tattoo, that I had forgotten about the after. I had NOT prepared for the after.

The healing process for a tattoo is not the greatest. There is pain, there is scabbing and flaking (gross), there is tenderness, there is staying away from sun exposure. And let’s not forget my awesome “candy ass” status. I had told myself that the hard part was over…and maybe the HARDEST part was over…but I still needed to heal.

Do you see a metaphor coming on?

Life is hard (surprising right?). I had just gone through one of the hardest seasons of my life…divorce. I struggled and fought and did all my research. I spent days agonizing and going back and forth…and a decision was made. And I did my best to prepare.

I prepared.
I prepared.
I prepared.

It was uncomfortable. It hurt. I was a tense, sweaty, anxious mess. And I survived! I was done. Right?

I’m sure you can guess.

I had focused so hard on the process up to and through the decision, but I forgot about the after. The HARDEST part may have been over…but I still needed to heal. And I was NOT prepared. I was not prepared for the loneliness. I was not prepared for the judgment. I was not prepared for the struggle of being a single mom and having to support myself. I was not prepared for the anger and resentment. I was not prepared for the questions and negative thoughts attacking my self-worth.

Have you ever done that? Have you ever prepared for only so much and forgotten about the after? Only to find yourself with a sore scabby tattoo on your arm freaking out that it might fall off? (No? Just me?)

It is OK Not to Be Prepared

Here is what I can tell you…it is ok not to be prepared. It is ok to forget about the after. When you are not prepared, it opens you up to accepting help and support. It gives others the opportunity to come alongside you and do life with you.

As my tattoo healed, I talked (a lot) to those who had gone through it. Asking questions and confirming that what I was experiencing was normal. And as the healing went on and I had the support and encouragement of my friends, I saw the beautiful finished product of the whole process. Before, during…and after.

I was not prepared for the AFTER in this season of life. I am still healing, but I have been surrounded by encouragement and support. And as I continue to heal I grow stronger…and I am beginning to see the beautiful product…albeit far from finished…that is the result of this process. The before, the during…and the after.